“Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.” -Alfred, from Batman Begins
This week, I want to share with you about a topic that fascinates me more than any other. If I spent the rest of my life learning about this topic, I don’t think I would regret a single minute spent. This topic is resiliency. I admire this trait immensely, even though I have a lot of room to grow in this area. Resiliency, to me, is the heartbeat of humanity. It’s what drives us to achieve what we have not yet achieved; it keeps us from staying in the shallow end of the pool; it draws meaning from our pain; it tells us to fight when everything else is telling us to throw in the towel. Resiliency is a beautiful, awe-inspiring gift to mankind. I hope that what I share with you this week may give you a deep desire for resiliency as well.
Back during my days at the residential center, I remember asking one of the boys what his favorite holiday was. I expected to hear something like Christmas, his birthday, or maybe Easter. I was surprised to hear him say, “Halloween.” I had never heard someone say Halloween before. I asked him why, not prepared for the answer that I was about to receive. He told me, “Everyone says Christmas, but you have to have money to buy all the presents under the tree. I grew up never having any money. But Halloween is different. When you celebrate Halloween, all you need is a container and a goofy outfit. Then, you can enjoy the holiday like everyone else.” I will be honest, I was fighting back tears. This young man understood a world that I knew little of. What impressed me the most about this guy was the fact that I never saw him without a smile on his face. He had a way of seeing the best in any situation. He went through a lot during his time in the program, and he had faced many hardships prior to his time with us. Still, he always found a way to bounce back.
In contrast, there were other guys that seemed to have everything lined up for them- school was easy for them, they had loving parents, friends, potential, you name it. However, I often found myself scratching my head when these same guys would jump from one poor decision to another. Often times, they would just tell me sob stories of how people had wronged them in little slights here or there. They bickered, complained, and had an overall negative outlook on life. I questioned if they were going to be successful in the adult world they were soon to face. It left me wondering- why did these guys have such trouble staying afloat while the guys with real problems were staying on their feet no matter what hit them? In my opinion, I think it’s resiliency. When you can’t find the strength to get back up, it doesn’t matter how good your circumstances are, you are finished.
When I say, “resiliency,” I am talking about the ability to keep your head focused and avoid becoming defeated by negative emotions. A person that has strong resiliency gets stumped, but rarely ever stays stuck. I believe resiliency is something that can be acquired by anyone, but it is not learned merely by demonstration alone. A person who sees resiliency in others may admire what they see, but that doesn’t mean that they will adopt the same mentality. A young man or woman must not only see resiliency in others, but build it in themselves. Developing resiliency is like building muscles through challenging struggle. When one finds it within himself the willpower to resist the forces against him, he becomes stronger. With each trial persevered, the person is more ready to take on new challenges.
I have come to the realization that there are two ways to respond to hardships, whether big or small: we either grow from them or they tear us down. My encouragement to dads is that we find within ourselves the desire to push forward when life has us down. We can get through the circumstances that life throws our way. To help our children develop resiliency, we can guide them toward sticking with the smaller stuff. By doing so, we can aid them in growing the mental and emotional muscles needed to take on the bigger things later on down the road. I am voicing my opinion again, but I truly believe that one of the greatest weaknesses that our country suffers in this day and age is the inability to bounce back when things get hard. We are a long way from the Great Depression and two world wars. We are not familiar with the tribulations that our grandparents and great-grandparents have had to endure. Instead, we live in a culture that gives us everything at our finger tips, brings comforts straight to our doorstep, and tells us over and over again that life is about having it our way.
Let us not as men, and the leaders of our home, become so comfortable or so disheartened that we are unable to stay on our feet when challenges come our way. It is our duty to lead our family toward strength, not only of body, but also of mind, will, and character. Life is not easy, but that does not mean that we throw up a white flag. We must press on and teach future generations to do the same. If resiliency is part of your story, someone that you know, or you have something that you would like to offer others related to the topic, then please share your comments. I still appreciate them.
Brian Faust is the Fatherhood Program Coordinator of Rock Solid Fatherhood in Warsaw, IN. He is the husband of the world’s best wife and father of three beautiful girls. He has nearly a decade of mentorship and mental health experience. Brian has a Bachelor’s in Psychology and a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Grace College. It is his desire to come alongside men of all walks of life as they embrace their role as partner and father with rock solid strength.
This one is going to be a strange one, and will require a little explanation, but bare with me. Here is something that you need to know about me- I dream some pretty vivid dreams (I mean insanely vivid). Sometimes it is like watching a movie or reading a book. The other night, I had one such dream, and I thought that it was worth sharing.
Have you ever heard a dad describe his role in the home as “king of the castle?” I’m not sure if the phrase is quite as popular now as it was a decade ago, but I still hear it from time-to-time. Though I doubt that everyone would be on board with comparing the modern day home to an archaic style of leadership, I do believe that comparing our role as fathers to running a kingdom does have some merit. So, that’s what I want to focus on today. I want to answer the question, “How are we, as dads, like a king running a kingdom?” I did a little research on the role and responsibilities of a king during medieval times. I don’t claim to be an expert now, but it did stir up some thoughts I believe are worth sharing. So, with an introduction to our topic of discussion for the day out of the way, here is what I observed.
I would like to return to a series that I started a while back called, “An Interview with Ponyboy.” For this post, we will be exploring the effects that a breach of trust can have on a youth, and what it may take to gain the trust back. I want to share some insight that I was given by the young men I had worked with, many of which had experienced lying, manipulation, and others failing to follow through with their promises. For those of us who might be seeking to repair trust which has been broken by ourselves or others, I hope this may be of help. For others, stay tuned, because we all let our children down from time to time. This post is going to help us get back on the horse when those times come. What I am sharing may not be relevant today, but it will be eventually.
My hopes are that none of us would do anything to our children that would cause them to distrust us. But, we live in a world where mistakes happen. When we let our children down, we need to help guide them through the process of recovery. It will take time and energy from us and our children. We aren’t likely to see progress over night. When I was in college, I remember taking a course on working with inner city youth. One of the guest speakers shared that it takes approximately 3 years for a child to feel comfortable opening up to an adult. Through my work, I can say that this statistic has held true. If we have a healthy relationship with our child prior to a breach, it may take less time. But, this is a good rule of thumb for the amount of work that may be required of us before we really start seeing results. For those of us that are fighting to get back what was lost, whether by out own hand or another, know that it is worth the struggle. Don’t give up. Keep going at it with Rock Solid strength.
Kids can drive you crazy. My wife says that kids use cuteness as a defense mechanism. It helps keep them alive. I imagine that’s how I made it through childhood. That’s how my children are getting by as well. This concept rings true today more than usual. My wife and I started sleep training our youngest daughter a few weeks ago, with the hopes that we would break away from the long ritual that has gotten her to sleep in the past. Let’s just say it’s not going well. I am behind in sleep far more than a pot of coffee can compensate for. It has been exhausting! Thankfully, my daughter is one of the cutest creatures I have ever seen. This serves her well. Being a dad tests your will sometimes. Many men say that being a father is one of the best ways to teach a man patience and discipline. Getting to this point is no easy journey, though. That is why I want to share with you some thoughts that have helped me get through the challenging parenting days.
When I was younger, my parents used to tell me that I should be a lawyer, because I could talk my way out of anything. Even now, I am pretty hard to debate with. I wouldn’t call myself a master at proving my point, but more accurately I am, as many would suggest, obnoxious. Due to this, I have had to learn a very valuable lesson about getting into arguments: It is possible to “win” and still lose. What I mean to say is that I can represent myself well, and even leave others feeling defeated, yet still experience suffering over issues left unaddressed. “Winning an argument” is a dangerous phrase. It takes us away from the ideal end-goal of conflict: resolution. Conflict is unavoidable. No matter how seasoned and tempered our nature might be, there will be times where our perspectives will clash with others’. Learning to handle conflict responsibly is a necessity for Rock Solid fathers. Therefore, we are going to explore the bells and whistles of healthy conflict resolution.